


Would I

by SpearBisexual (SpearBinnie)



Series: Lyrical [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Break Up, Depressed Seo Changbin, Depression, Drug Use, Drunkenness, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I wrote this inspired by a song, Inspired by Music, Inspired by maggie lindemann, Los Angeles, M/M, Mentioned Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Music, One Shot, Sad Seo Changbin, Seo Changbin - Freeform, Song - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 15:30:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20117368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpearBinnie/pseuds/SpearBisexual
Summary: Spear B was a famous rapper who had everything, but hated the person he was becoming.After all that time trying to be numb, to feel nothing so he wouldn’t let himself fall between his fingers, he notices he’s already fallen way too long ago.





	Would I

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Would I by Maggie Lindemann, one of my favorite songs.  


It was one of those way too common nights that Changbin stumbled around in the middle of the street, after performing. the night fell over his shoulders, the darkness wrapping him, adding to the suffocating weight in his chest. The city lights twirled in his blurry vision, the alcohol fuzzing his mind and the pot trying to fight all the heaviness that took over his being.

He thought that as he got older, less things would be pressing his shoulders down, weighing him as he tried to live through all the confusion that surrounded him. Way too many things happened around him, but at this point he wasn’t even able to worry about any of those, he couldn’t even tell if he was sad or just bored. 

This night was just like all of the others, he walked back to his empty and cold apartment after drinking his body weight at a random club. He leaned against a brick wall as he reached a dark alley, rolling a blunt as he breathed in the humid air. 

He thought about the way he grew incapable of giving a shit about anything, the way the city made him colder and colder. He couldn’t even care about the fact that he was alone in a dark alley in the middle of the night, he could care less about what could happen to him. 

Those same voices echoed in his head as he held the blunt between his lips and walked away, the voices that kept him awake all nights and that not even the amount of alcohol and drugs he did every night could shut. He wasn’t enough, he was useless, he couldn’t do anything right, why would anyone want to be around him? It had to be true, since it was his own head that kept telling him that. 

Truth is that everything was never enough for him. He could have money to buy many houses, he could have status to get in any club he wanted, he could have many fans screaming his name and ripping their own clothes off in front of him and begging to be fucked (being a famous solo rapper really put you in weird situations), he would never have enough. He himself wasn’t enough, he had no faith whatsoever on himself. 

He proved himself that when he started dating a famous dancer, Lee Felix. They met in a club after Changbin performed, it wasn’t very common for him to pick someone up like that, but through the whole night he had his eyes on the dancer, more specifically, on his thighs. 

They went out for about a month, but Changbin was quick to abandon the older when he noticed he was catching feelings, he just knew it wouldn’t work. He simply left one morning and never returned, ignoring his calls and pretending he didn’t know him the one time they accidentally met. He hated his guts for that, but he still couldn’t care, it was just one more reason for him to loathe himself. 

Deep down he knew that if he wasn’t so afraid of love he probably would’ve loved Felix, but just thinking about giving such intimacy to someone frightened him, if was like giving your heart for someone to break. His insecurity took over him, the fear of being somewhat disappointed. He was way too vulnerable, but maybe if he wasn’t so easy to hurt, he wouldn’t have hurt Felix. 

Now, he had everything, but he had nothing. Nothing to rely on except from all the substances he willingly put in his body. It had all started when he began to gain popularity and make money, burying himself deeper in the darkest parts of that industry he worked for. He started meeting new people, bad people, that started showing him their ways. 

At first it was only some pills another rapper showed him, saying that it would help him be awake for days and write more lyrics in less time, which was amazingly enticing to Changbin. He needed to work harder, money and fame were all too addicting, once you got a taste for them it was almost impossible to be away. 

The pill became a habit, with time one wasn’t enough, so he kept taking more and more but that still wasn’t able to fulfill his needs. Fortunately, Felix had come in his life quick enough to stop him from eating into anything heavier and even stopped him from taking that damn pill, but as he left and his presence lacked in Changbin’s life, the boy went straight back to taking it. 

His influences (he wasn’t sure he could call them friends) kept telling him to get something that hit harder, but Changbin still had a last drop of will power, which made him say no. “If all of my friends wanted to jump off a cliff, would I?” He remembered Felix’s words from when Changbin asked him about why he wasn’t a drug addict after working on a club. 

All he ever wanted was to feel nothing, no agony, no anxiety, no self loathe, he just wanted to feel numb. More than anything, he didn’t want to miss Felix, he didn’t want to hate himself for a choice he had made himself. If he could forget the boy without all the drugs, would he? If he could deal with all his problems without all the alcohol, if he could walk home without a blunt between his lips, if he could write lyrics without being high, if he could perform without taking those pills, would he? 

He kept telling himself that all he did was to feel numb, but it clearly wasn’t helping, so was it just habit? His only good times were those he would be about to fall asleep, the rare times he could almost forget everything, when the drugs weren’t running underneath his skin and keeping his mind a hundred miles a second, thinking only about work and more work. 

All those checks, payment for the times he had gotten so stoned he had almost overdosed as he wrote lyrics for an upcoming concert, where he would be tortured as he was under the spotlight, out in the open, for everyone to see. He had entered the music industry to show himself, what he could do. To have a voice, to speak for others and help them with their struggles, but as more people knew you and demanded more of you, it was so easy to miss the point. 

If all of his friends wanted to jump, would he? Would he abandon his current life, with all those empty numbers on paychecks, all those people calling him a genius? It was all too quick, he wished he would’ve had a choice, but he had already jumped. 

From the second he chose to go with the flow, to follow his influences, to do as everyone told him, he jumped. All the effort was in vain, he was trying to avoid being in a situation he already was in, it was like deciding if you were going to take the pills as you swallowed them. He wasn’t even himself anymore, he jumped as Seo Changbin and reached the bottom as Spear B, the famous rapper that drowned himself in drugs once every night, only to keep himself from a knowledge his own existence. 

And even after all of it, he was once again alone in his cold apartment, laying down watching the ceiling as puffs of smoke left his lips, ready to wake up and go do the exact same thing he regretted doing every single one of his miserable days. 

He could change, he could learn himself to be satisfied with all he had, but everything was never enough for Changbin.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write something like this for a while, I might turn this into a series. This is not very good but it's only my first so I hope I will be improving with time. I also have an au on Twitter @SpearBisexual i'll be glad if you checked it out!
> 
> Please leave Kudos and comment what you think! Sorry for wasting you time with my first word vomit e.e


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